Sorry for being late to the party! I knew right away what to do and it took very little effort to make it happen. The Red part was easy - just bring out my favorite red boxer-briefs. The Wooden part? Took some effort to...stiffen that up.
Touch the picture with your cursor to help pull down the boxer-briefs so you can see how hard it is...
This is definitely a progress! If you look at the first picture below of my red boxer-briefs, this was taken 13 months ago. The black bars were from a screenshot capture - I didn't bother to crop that out. The original photo, as seen here, was cropped like that because...well, I'll tell you in a minute.
And this picture below? It was taken yesterday. Notice no cropping effect...I hid my waist in the old photo because I was sporting a muffin top and I didn't like that at all. Sad, huh?
I knew I had to find the exact same boxer-briefs and once I did, I slipped it on and did my best to duplicate the angle of my legs as seen above. Fuck, it wasn't easy because I had to go back to the old photo to see how well the photos matched up. Rinse and repeat.
The difference other than the new shower curtains in the background? You can see the gap in between my legs! Not only can you see the gap, but the thighs are now thinner and more muscular. I am now 19 pounds away from my goal, having shed 16 pounds already. I have not been this light in 20 years!
I went on a specific diet two months earlier which has resulted in the loss of 10 pounds despite the usual holidays eating patterns. Last month, I managed to move up a notch in my belt, the 3rd hole. I have started working out every day this month - training for a half marathon at the end of March has been the reason.
Well, I have another reason...I am getting into this new lifestyle big time with the upcoming softball season and I have moved up yet another notch in the belt, now in the 4th hole...I think a "promotion" will occur next week, resulting in the 5th and final hole. What a sparkling idea! ;)
I have fulfilled this week's TNH in the naughtiest way possible - Grey, Handmade, Fingers. Yes, I came in the wadded up but wonderfully thick napkin. ;) I took the color out of the picture and then used the grey color on my hand for a weird effect.
Looking forward to more of TNH in the upcoming weeks. Hehe. Go visit The Naughty Hangout to see who else is playing!
Some of you contacted me and asked me the following questions:
"Why are you even talking to her when she won't give you the closure?"
Because I am the nice guy. Truthfully, my wife wanted me to keep talking to her because she felt our friend deserves another chance. I told her I will keep talking to our friend.
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
Not really. This happened between her and me...and nobody else. She chickened out so she has to deal with the consequence.
"What special blend of pills?"
That's easy - 2 Advil and 2 Ibuprofen. Yes, they are both NSAIDs but Advil is slow-acting and kicks in later while Ibuprofen is not and takes effect immediately. That way, you can relieve the pain right away and then last through the day.
"Know why I stopped texting you?"
Yes, it's rather easy...you stopped because I stopped texting you to see if you noticed. You noticed only after I posted about that, didn't you?
"Are you serious? Nobody seems interested in you? What about me?"
You haven't expressed any interest in me, either anymore or at all. That's all. If you are interested in talking with me, just send me a message and I'll talk to you. As for others, don't you think they would've already told me? :)
"What has changed since you two started talking again?"
She still has not been chatty with me at all - if you take any week's worth of recent chats with her, the volume would still be less than that of any given day before the first man came along. Even after.
Her actions consistently do not back her words up. Remember, she said she misses me very much and wants to talk again. Refer back to the first item immediately above. I have had to initiate a convo with her over and over. 4 times out of the last 30 days, she was the first to initiate. Once every week.
I decided it would be best for me if I turned the clock back to a certain month before her troubles started over a year ago...where I was barely a blip on her radar at the time. That is working out just fine for me because I wasn't that important to her then and clearly, I am not now.
Ever since I told her about finishing the series, she seems more "subdued" and "resigned" , as if she has come to terms with the fact that it is OVER. Like...there's no chance for her to have me start flirting with her again. She often stops abruptly and leaves the convo hanging...then a new day begins again and we start all over. That's okay with me.
Know what else is interesting? I feel okay, like my life is balanced again. Last week, I signed up for membership at a fitness club to prepare for a half-marathon that will take place in early spring...and I have started masturbating on a consistent basis. LOL
It took me 45 minutes to respond to that...I'd start typing, think over what to say, and stop...start again and stop. Honestly, I did not know how to respond. How could I when she seemed okay with not talking to me for a while? Granted, she did hug me tightly several times since that night but none of me was willing to reciprocate because she hadn't approached the white elephant subject so I had to shut myself off. It was a Herculean effort for me to not hug her tightly back, I am telling you.
She responded with something like "Well, you didn't want to talk to me anymore so I figured I should give you some space." That opened the floodgate inside of me and I said, "Bullshit." I went on to tell her how I felt and how she blindsided me that night and so forth. The email flew back and forth in just few minutes. When she realized how right I was, she broke down into tears (she told me so in e-mail). Sighs. I told her we would talk about this at a better time because I didn't want her to keep crying while at work.
I am so fucking nice. Sometimes I really hate myself for being such a nice guy. Before you all start saying "Nice guys are great!", think about this very carefully before you answer. How often do you throw a nice guy over for a guy who isn't one? How about this...how often do you date bad boys or guys that look dangerous instead of nice ones? Pretty damn often, don't you think? I have personally seen this happen to me and to other nice people over and over. Anyway, back to the post.
She responded with "Okay. I will talk to you after I get home." Wanna guess how long she took to get back to me about that? Over a week. I never once heard from her during that span. Remember point #1 about deciding too rashly? Yeah, I was right to decide that night. Great...just fucking great way to affirm that.
That made me very angry and I just went "Yeah, whatever you say" when she finally got back to me with "I'll let you know what my work schedule is and we can get together for lunch." She said that to me three times and I knew she had met with others for lunch (she kept mentioning those on her damn Facebook account). Took several days after the third promise before I heard from her again, finally telling me the day, time, and the location.
Told her simply: "Okay" because I had stopped caring. I knew I had to write everything down what I wanted to tell her before meeting her for lunch. Why? When I get mad, I don't remember the things I need to talk about. The correct decision to write down things to say ended up filling a full two sides of a piece of legal pad-sized paper, even when I wrote neatly and slowly.
Remember point #3 about not being in love? I was able to prove it by talking about how I felt like I was simply tossed aside...something of a convenience for her to dispose of when she no longer needed it. I wrote about how she owed it to me to tell me what was going on with her and she had opted out of that. If I had been in love with her, I would've gone on and on about how we should've been together or she should've given me a chance to show her great things. No. I just wrote about her actions or lack thereof and how she needs to be held accountable for that.
The day finally arrived and I drove out to her with the letter neatly folded and tucked into my back pocket for quick access. I could've made her come to me, but I promised myself I wouldn't overwhelm her anymore and I was sticking to the parameters of my decision. We met up, she hugged me tightly (again, I didn't reciprocate), we sat down, and I let her start talking. She apologized for not telling me about him and told me she did not know how to approach me after that surprise. She told me she missed our chats because she loved how I can get to her like that, how I can challenge her, how I can really touch her in places deep inside her, and she wanted all of that back.
"Oh yeah?", I remembered thinking that before looking off to the space to hide that thought in my eyes. Took me about 30 seconds of staring at the cars whizzing by outside before looking back intently into her eyes and she didn't flinch or blink at that.
I noticed that but I kept my emotions in check as I went into details on how hurt I was. I could see she was close to tears several times, but I was not going to lose it. Not because "I'm a man!" or that this was in a very crowded restaurant...rather I had no opportunity to lose it because I was emotionally exhausted and I had nothing else to give, willingly or not. I did not want to cry at all. When I wanted to cut the inevitable sob off that was coming on her face, I simply looked off to the space before resuming.
We talked for few more minutes and the nice guy in me kept winning the battle with the asshole in me when it came to telling her what I really wanted to say...anything. That's why I hate myself sometimes, but the asshole in me managed to let her know I had written things down and I didn't feel like telling her like it is. She clearly understood because she said, "There are things in there that would hurt me, right?"
"Yes." was all I said and she leaned back in her seat. I added, "I don't think I ever will show you or tell you." She nodded. She asked if she could change the subject. I let her. You'd think that was the nice guy in me letting her change the subject...but I can tell you it wasn't. Because she wanted to change the subject which told me she couldn't really handle this, she lost. The span from the shock of seeing her date kiss her to the lunch meeting took 6 weeks, which was a complete waste of my time because she couldn't step up and chase this to a resolution.
Translation? I didn't get my closure.
That's just fucking fine with me - she lost, remember? She went on and on about how much she missed me and how we should stay in touch. I know why she kept going on and on about that...she had barely talked to me during those 6 weeks and she fucking knew I was very cognizant of that.
I stepped out afterward and I did remain optimistic about her showing me how much she missed me. Almost two weeks since that meeting...and I had barely heard from her. Again, that shows me how right my decision was. We have been talking again, but on a very limited basis. She now tends to stop talking abruptly, leaving my responses hanging in the air. Gone is the hourly texts, intense/meaningful convos, or hearing from her first thing in the morning.
Now, I wait til 8 am to text her. Sometimes I don't text her until afternoon or night. She has texted me first just three times since then. We had a mini fight two weeks ago about the hugging - she had missed that very much and didn't want me to lightly hug her or pat her on the back like I was just comforting her. The problem is the hugs were very sensual to me and I had to stop everything that's sensually related and...how the fuck do I do that again without it being like that again?
I can't and won't but guess what? I told her, "I'll try" but you and I know that isn't happening. Will she? I think she knows but is hoping I'll hug her tightly again. She isn't stupid.
All of this...what had happened to me...is why I disappeared in the blogosphere (see December 3, 2012 again). When I stopped talking to her immediately after that night of seeing her date kiss her, I noticed something else. The silence. Complete and utter silence. Other than my wife and a certain friend, I never heard from others who used to text/email me all the time. They all disappeared. I tried re-establishing the contacts but they all pretty much stopped talking to me.
I have decided to do the following:
I won't initiate the sexting with anyone anymore - the silence confirms that
I will do my best to make sure that friend remains the last one ever to toss me aside like that
I will not start anything with any of my friends in real life - let them start first
My wife and I had a discussion about the swinging/polyamory aspect last week and we decided to put that on hold since there's no interest in me
I had thought about shutting down this blog for good but a blogger changed my mind. I am putting my blog on hiatus for now so I can help prepare TNH (maybe participate when the mood/inspiration strikes me) for 2013. I know that not many bloggers/friends will miss or notice the silence in my blog.
One thing that has changed in me that's in a positive way for sure - thanks to her, I have discovered and embraced the dominant in me. My wife has noticed how dominant I have become and that has ignited the heat between her and I. The sex has been intense and better than before.
I am okay. Really. I'm not just saying that to shoo everyone away. I had a chance to talk to two other people about this and they were excellent sounding boards. I'll admit that I was mad for a while, but I am talking to her again. I even told her I forgive her. Who knows...I may start blogging again.
But first, I have been thinking about writing a novel and I need to figure out how to start. The $250,000 question is...if I do start...and...finish the novel, under which name do I publish the novel? I don't think anyone would buy a book from "Nolens Volens" but then again, I don't think anyone would buy a book from someone like me if I were to reveal my true identity. ;)
Post-epoligue: Yesterday I told my wife about this post, signaling the end of the series along with the blog going on hiatus and her reaction was "How do you feel about this?" I said, "I'm okay with that but I think I'll hear from some readers" She said that this is MY blog. Of course, I am not going to argue with her on that. :)
I decided to tell the friend as well. I said, "Letting you know...I finally finished editing the final two posts (15 posts in all) on my blog and the series will end on Friday." Her response? "Well. Really I don't know how to respond to that. Glad you finished the writing/editing. Sorry you're ending it. But I understand why you are. I hope you're pleased with it." She knew exactly what I was talking about...knew what I meant as well since she was rather verbose.
I knew what she meant as well. My answer to that was "It ended bec there was nothing more to write about. Simple." "I know" was her only message which told me plenty. She has never seen the blog - I won't let her or my wife tell her where - but I can tell you what that "I know" message really means...she has acknowledged that it's over for good.
The man decided to break things off with her after 2 months of hot romance, citing his own emotional baggage. That pissed me off because he fucking knew he had issues and he wanted to start a relationship? What a fucking coward. I had to keep acting natural around him at all times because she had gone to great lengths to not let anyone know about him as per his wishes.
She spiraled into a depression. Fuck. I knew that flirting with her was not an option at all. I stayed in touch with her, letting her know I was still there for her. I sent her pictures after pictures of inspirational sayings like "You are more than the mistakes you've made" or "You can't start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one."
It took her about a month to shake the depression off and she was very grateful to have me stick around. She started talking to me more often again, but not with the easy flow of conversations I enjoyed with her before that man came along or before the breakup. I missed that, but I wasn't going to push her at all. I could tell something was amiss, but I could not pinpoint it.
I remembered her telling me in the past how I would overwhelm her sometimes. She had told me when she was overwhelmed by me, she would retreat and not talk to me so she could process this in her mind. I hated the silence and I didn't want to endure that just because I wanted to move faster than she did.
Granted, that man overwhelmed her by sending her a naked picture of himself so he could push her in the direction he wanted to go but I was careful to not overwhelm her. She and I had previously discussed the nude pics and she told me she will ask me for one when she is ready to see what my cock looks like. At her request, I shared with her a picture of me in red boxer-briefs and she LIKED what she saw. That is how respectful I have been with her and I made sure to not overwhelm her during her recovery.
When she told me she was all better, I asked her what she would like for me to do and she said, "Let's start flirting again. That always have made me feel good." We started flirting again, but not with the usual intensity. That seemed normal to me, given how depressed she had been. Hard to bounce back right away, I get that.
However, the asshole in me was saying "Press harder, she wants that" and the nice guy in me was telling me "No, go easy". I know...sounds like the Devil and the Angel on my shoulders but that isn't correct when it comes to me. It feels more like I can either be an asshole or be a nice guy. I do my best to be the nice guy because I generally hate the feeling I get after I go into the asshole mode. Makes sense, doesn't it?
Too bad I accidentally erased the convos...after I thought I had stored them (including the convo about the picture of my cock beautifully encased in red boxer-briefs) in my blog as draft. Imagine my surprise when I started to work the last 4 drafts after editing the first 8 drafts into posts, only to discover that whole month's worth of flirting/erotica not saved at all in the drafts. Those 4 blank drafts ended up being trashed and forced me to write the final 2 posts (including this one) instead of the planned 6. That would explain an earlier post (see December 3, 2012) about messing up. The rest of this post and the next post, I must construct from my memory.
The first warning sign came not long after we started flirting again when she told me she could not handle a
conversation with me right now. Her reason? "My brain is too fried, so
I can't talk with you right now." Okay, I let her go so she could work
in peace. Later that same day, my wife came home and I could see on
her phone that she was carrying on a steady conversation...with the same friend
who couldn't handle a convo with me. What the fuck?
was puzzled by that and somewhat hurt but I decided to let it go since I
thought maybe she couldn't handle the idea of talking with men. Two days passed and then we started talking. Sometimes we flirted. Sometimes we just talked in depth about things. Guess
what? She did the "Can't handle a convo" routine with me...twice more,
with different reasons each time. Made me wonder what the hell was
Not long after,
my wife let it slip that our friend was dating a guy now. I thought
nothing of it because she was entitled to date anyone. I mean, she was fucking that one guy right and left just weeks earlier. I would never
get in the way of her happiness. She always told me
everything...or so I thought. Nothing from the friend about
the new guy - not even a word...and I figured she wasn't sure how to tell me. I found out from my wife again that I would finally meet the guy and the double date was set about a week later.
Then it really hit
me when I saw her new date kiss her right on the mouth because that's when I
realized two guys have gotten further with her than I ever did in the
whole time of flirting with her and chasing after her. The closest I ever got was putting my face in her neck. I even gave her foot rubs, hand rubs, and back rubs. I really got
angry because I felt like a fucking fool. She exacerbated the situation
that night by not talking to me about it, even when we were in the same
place for several hours. We even sat next to each other!
received, loud and fucking clear. I went into the asshole mode and I ignored her, moved to another
place next to a friend, and chatted up a storm with him. When the night
was over, I just went home. Wordlessly. She didn't give the customary hug I always got from her every time I saw her. I decided on the way home
that I was done with her...no more flirting or initiating conversations
with her. I lost a lot of sleep that night because 1) I worried that I
had decided too rashly, 2) the burden was incredible for me to bear, and
3) I was really hurt.
Let me explain something about myself. I am NOT like most people - they tend to sleep on difficult decisions and decide in the morning. I have found that by doing it in the opposite way, I have been right to do so every time. As for my reasoning behind point #1, it turned out that I hadn't decided too rashly after all. More on that later. Point #2, the burden was great because I had not talked to anyone about what was going on inside of me. Took me a week just to tell someone and that was my wife. Point #3, you might be thinking "Oh, he fell in love with her" but that is incorrect. More on that later.
I did see her two days later but I acted like she didn't exist at all. I didn't need to enable the asshole in me at all. Everyone could see something was
wrong, but nobody dared to ask anything. The following day, she
finally spoke to me - via text - to say she was hurting from yesterday's
activity and I said nothing more to her than "Did you use my special
blend of pills?" and "Good, keep doing that." when she said yes to the first question. She
went silent after that.
Saw her in person few times
since that night but I ignored her 99% of the time, waiting for her to
realize how absent I have been in her life. That actually hurt me more because 1) she
hadn't shown any indication of realizing that, 2) she didn't appear to
miss me at all (barely texted or spoke to me), and 3) I really missed all of this fun times...and
her...but I fretted over whether or not I had made the right decision.
Her actions, and lack thereof, kept affirming my decision over and over. The nice guy in me gave her every chance to prove the asshole in me wrong.
Pissed the hell out of me. Why? I wanted to be wrong and she was my friend. I had known her for several years. She had never demonstrated the inability to follow through...or the ability to not give a fuck when it mattered to her and the person involved. When a friend does right by me, I am their friend for life. Imagine how I feel when I am betrayed like that. Fine. I picked up the shirt I was going to give to her, washed my smell out of it, and hung it up with other shirts.
Every time my wife spoke to me about our friend, I was indifferent. My wife would say things like "She is coming over" or "She needs some help with the house" or "We are going to her house for dinner" or whatever and I would invariably say either "So?" or "Whatever" and shrug. I knew what my wife was doing - she was trying to put our friend and I back on speaking terms.
Our friend finally e-mailed me...three weeks after that night, with "Hope everything is all right with you. I miss you."
Stay tuned...for the final installment of "The Bombshell" series.